25 August 2009
Those Crazy Relations(hips)
At first the changes in the names and faces at the dinner table were hardly perceptible. An ex-pat would leave for a few days on vacation but they'd be back after a week. Last night something new happened and it was a big shock. It got me thinking about relationships.
Since my arrival in Lubutu, we've had a couple of long term workers join the group. No biggie. They folded right in. But last night something different occurred. Someone new arrived and the group dynamic changed instantly and dramatically. Earlier in 2009, Chang (our new anaesthesiologist) had been working with MSF here in Lubutu for a few months. After his assignment was over, he left for several weeks. He liked it so much he decided to apply for another assignment and is now back. Great! A new face and someone new to talk to!
Weirdly, the moment Chang arrived, I started to hear a lot of English. Sophie, my boss and co-worker, tells me his French is pretty lousy. As he is an anaesthesiologist, he doesn't do a lot of talking to patients anyway. So now there are four (and maybe five) of us who prefer speaking English. Before Chang arrived, the rest of us just limped along in French. But now there's no need as our little group can actually have real conversations, rather than just speaking in weird sentence fragments and gestures. To me, this is good and bad, as one reason for doing MSF in Congo was to improve my French, right?
Chang is also gregarious and that changed the group dynamic, too. He's returning to a place and people he knew previously and he's doing it by choice. Although not from the US, he's very "American"- kind of loud, instantly friendly, and you like him. Before his arrival, our group was a pretty sedate lot, but not any more! He's also a career MSFer (like the majority of the people here) so he knows how this world works. Unlike me, he wasn't initially awkward or ill at ease.
This started me thinking about the interpersonal relationships in this world of humanitarian work. By definition friendships here are temporary. The ex-pats are all transient, usually staying in one assignment for six to twelve months. The career MSF people (those who do assignments back to back for years) all list their ability to travel as one reason to do long term humanitarian work. They don't get bored as their job changes with each change in geography. On one mission they may be in charge of setting up an HIV program; On the next they're working in general medicine in a refugee camp. The people who do this long-term make friends easily, love being part of a group, and enjoy the challenges of their changing work. But don't they miss those life-long friends we all tend to make in our twenties and thirties? Or do they make them and just keep in touch by email and text messages?
Hardly anyone does this for their entire medical career. Most of the ex-pat staff are younger than me, mid-20s to mid-30s. They finished school and went directly into the MSF world. Martine, my Belgian surgeon buddy, and I are the only ex-pats older then 40. Sophie (my Swedish boss) and I are the only two in the group who are married. Perhaps that's why hardly anyone can do this forever. You get ready for a long-term relationship (either friendship or romantic) and this ever changing remote field work isn't compatible. I think most couples can live apart temporarily, but after too long the relationship will likely suffer.
To me, making friends with people for a few months and probably never seeing them again is a difficult proposition. But perhaps that's because I'm at a different life stage.
Some of the older career field humanitarian workers have relationships earlier in life, turn 40ish, have their midlife crisis, get divorced or whatever, and off they go to Congo or Cambodia for a few years. These people are rarer out here in the field. I've met two since arrival, in contrast with the dozens of younger people.
Personally, neither scenario fits. I worked in the world for several years before starting this 6 month mission with MSF. I don't think I'm having a mid-life crisis. I was just curious about this world of humanitarian work and thought I'd try it out. Maybe I'll continue and maybe I won't. But if I don't, the deal breaker is the relationships in my life, which mean more to me than any work.
Those Crazy Relations(hips)
At first the changes in the names and faces at the dinner table were hardly perceptible. An ex-pat would leave for a few days on vacation but they'd be back after a week. Last night something new happened and it was a big shock. It got me thinking about relationships.
Since my arrival in Lubutu, we've had a couple of long term workers join the group. No biggie. They folded right in. But last night something different occurred. Someone new arrived and the group dynamic changed instantly and dramatically. Earlier in 2009, Chang (our new anaesthesiologist) had been working with MSF here in Lubutu for a few months. After his assignment was over, he left for several weeks. He liked it so much he decided to apply for another assignment and is now back. Great! A new face and someone new to talk to!
Weirdly, the moment Chang arrived, I started to hear a lot of English. Sophie, my boss and co-worker, tells me his French is pretty lousy. As he is an anaesthesiologist, he doesn't do a lot of talking to patients anyway. So now there are four (and maybe five) of us who prefer speaking English. Before Chang arrived, the rest of us just limped along in French. But now there's no need as our little group can actually have real conversations, rather than just speaking in weird sentence fragments and gestures. To me, this is good and bad, as one reason for doing MSF in Congo was to improve my French, right?
Chang is also gregarious and that changed the group dynamic, too. He's returning to a place and people he knew previously and he's doing it by choice. Although not from the US, he's very "American"- kind of loud, instantly friendly, and you like him. Before his arrival, our group was a pretty sedate lot, but not any more! He's also a career MSFer (like the majority of the people here) so he knows how this world works. Unlike me, he wasn't initially awkward or ill at ease.
This started me thinking about the interpersonal relationships in this world of humanitarian work. By definition friendships here are temporary. The ex-pats are all transient, usually staying in one assignment for six to twelve months. The career MSF people (those who do assignments back to back for years) all list their ability to travel as one reason to do long term humanitarian work. They don't get bored as their job changes with each change in geography. On one mission they may be in charge of setting up an HIV program; On the next they're working in general medicine in a refugee camp. The people who do this long-term make friends easily, love being part of a group, and enjoy the challenges of their changing work. But don't they miss those life-long friends we all tend to make in our twenties and thirties? Or do they make them and just keep in touch by email and text messages?
Hardly anyone does this for their entire medical career. Most of the ex-pat staff are younger than me, mid-20s to mid-30s. They finished school and went directly into the MSF world. Martine, my Belgian surgeon buddy, and I are the only ex-pats older then 40. Sophie (my Swedish boss) and I are the only two in the group who are married. Perhaps that's why hardly anyone can do this forever. You get ready for a long-term relationship (either friendship or romantic) and this ever changing remote field work isn't compatible. I think most couples can live apart temporarily, but after too long the relationship will likely suffer.
To me, making friends with people for a few months and probably never seeing them again is a difficult proposition. But perhaps that's because I'm at a different life stage.
Some of the older career field humanitarian workers have relationships earlier in life, turn 40ish, have their midlife crisis, get divorced or whatever, and off they go to Congo or Cambodia for a few years. These people are rarer out here in the field. I've met two since arrival, in contrast with the dozens of younger people.
Personally, neither scenario fits. I worked in the world for several years before starting this 6 month mission with MSF. I don't think I'm having a mid-life crisis. I was just curious about this world of humanitarian work and thought I'd try it out. Maybe I'll continue and maybe I won't. But if I don't, the deal breaker is the relationships in my life, which mean more to me than any work.
Hi Doug, just want to say that I'm really enjoying your blog - I have it on my RSS feeder. So please keep going, and keep up the good work. Jack, London.
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